65 Ways to Avoid Giving Blowjobs

  1. Cry
  2. “Only if you return the favor for twice as long”
  3. Tell him tomorrow
  4. Keep repeating #3 indefinitely
  5. Talk about the health hazards of lockjaw
  6. Down Tabasco and go to town on him
  7. Walk out of the room
  8. Bring up how small your mouth is
  9. Casually mention how you thought you had herpes once, but it’s fine now!
  10. Casually mention how you think you have fungus growing in your mouth that you learned about junior year of high school
  11. Tell the story of giving your first blowjob and how you made the guy bleed
  12. Fart
  13. Talk about your ex
  14. Realize #14 was a huge mistake and pray to god there isn’t a fight
  15. Suggest you watch all the Lord of the Ring movies instead
  16. Remind him of how you both haven’t visited your parents lately
  17. No one wants to floss with the other person’s pubes
  18. Make it so awful he stops you halfway through
  19. Only with a condom. Preferably flavored
  20. “Sure babe, just let me take some Pepto Bismol first since I have been feeling kind of nauseous lately”
  21. “Sure babe, just let me take some Pepto Bismol first since I’ve had explosive diarrhea all day”
  22. Tell him you have to volunteer at the local animal shelter. He can’t complain about this one without looking like an asshole
  23. You’ll do it as soon as he goes to get waxed with you
  24. Get him so drunk he can’t get it up
  25. Explain that you’re just too busy for fellatio because you’re writing a list on how to avoid it
  26. Start meditating
  27. Roll over and go to sleep
  28. “I’m sure Thomas Edison never had anyone nagging him about this”
  29. Shake your head, grab your vibrator, and walk out
  30. Tell him you’re learning his favorite video game
  31. No seriously, Destiny isn’t so bad
  32. Acquire fake blood. Use this to fake having a serious illness by coughing it up
  33. Invite his friends over for automatic cockblocking action
  34. “No thanks, I don’t have any hair ties!”
  35. Vomiting from your gag reflex is an all too real thing
  36. Tell him his dick is too big…even if it isn’t entirely true
  37. Describe how difficult it is to get your lip liner just perfect. Why would he want to mess that effort up?
  38. Having braces does have its positives
  39. Give him some money to hire a hooker
  40. Why do guys complain that vaginas smell? Have they ever gotten a whiff of their own ballsack?
  41. Also, why do they complain that vaginas taste bad? They obviously haven’t tasted their own cum, otherwise they’d realize that something that tastes like salty bleach is much worse.
  42. Go to Google and research just how disgusting the human mouth is
  43. You’ll comply if he gives you his phone password
  44. “Babe, I already have toothpaste”
  45. Make a deal that if you give him a blowjob he has to keep the whole house clean. For a week
  46. A week for every blowjob
  47. He won’t be asking for too many after that
  48. Hide the Viagra
  49. Grumble about how you already have bruises on your knees from the last time
  50. Only if he chugs a gallon of pineapple juice
  51. Ignore him and start practicing your ukulele instead
  52. Prepare his favorite meal instead
  53. In fact, feed him so much that you can’t find his penis
  54. Tell him you’re too busy researching vintage garden gnomes
  55. Convey how sucking his dick is a bit like putting your mouth on the end of a nose
  56. If you’re a female, have a sit down and explain why foreplay is needed for women, but for guys the explosive ending is gonna happen either way
  57. Start lovingly referring to his penis with funny names whenever you can
  58. Some of my favorites are one-eyed trouser snake, willy, pecker, and tally whacker
  59. Say you have jury duty. Even if it’s eleven o’clock at night
  60. Give him a creepy look, whisper “let’s play a game”, and walk out
  61. You’ll give him as many blowjobs as he wants if he buys you those new Valentino shoes
  62. You’re too sad since Zayn left One Direction
  63. Start binge watching 9/11 remembrance videos instead
  64. Throw holy water on his penis
  65. Or, you know, just tell him no
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