Lies Women Tell In Bed

In a world full of Cosmopolitan articles and outrageous porn, it’s difficult to know where you stand with women in the bedroom. One minute they’re screaming in pleasure, the next they bring up in a fight how you didn’t make them orgasm during sex. So what’s the deal? Well, let me clue you in on some insight into the complicated, awful place that is the female mind.

No, I Haven’t Slept With More Than Two Guys!

We do not live in the 1600’s, but the way some people talk you would think we do. Society changes with time and women have more rights than being married off at sixteen or traded for a cow and a chicken for her virginity. That being said, there are a lot of people who act like being “pure” is required to be considered above subhuman.

Heads up, everyone, outside of the weird daddy daughter dances that Evangelical Christians have for their daughters to pledge their virginity, most don’t stick to that. Even if a girl says she’s a virgin, chances are she has had a long term relationship, or even a few drunk encounters in college.

Biology makes sex fun. Don’t judge us for it.

That Your Ding a Ling is Big

Following the fact that most women are not Virgin Mary (see above), we know that if a guy says he has “9 inches” that it’s more like “just a smidge over 4”.

I’m not hating on men. They really have nothing to compare to (unless they’re gay or bisexual) except porn, which is widely out of proportion. But, asking us if your one (inch) eyed trouser snake is the biggest we have ever had is a sad mistake that will only hurt your ego. Next time, just try using your tongue more during sex.

Blowjobs Are the Best…I Just Love Pleasing my Man

I truly believe that blowjobs can be a great thing for both parties involved – whether you’re gay or straight. Especially in some romantic setting where you just cannot wait to rip the clothes off of each other. Plus, you can’t let a guy go down on you and not ever return the favor without being a selfish person.

Even with that explanation, most of the time no one wants your knob in our mouth. It hurts our jaws, hits our gag reflexes, and cum just tastes awful at best.

That She Came

Listen, it’s sometimes difficult to get ourselves off. Why do you think there’s a huge market for vibrators and dildos? With that explanation, you should know your two minutes of awkward kissing and far too rough fingering followed by thirty seconds of sex is not going to get us to O town, no matter how much your girlfriend claims it does.

After reading this list, you may be judgemental and think I’m jaded, or that I need to stop being negative. On that: I agree. But, if you have a hard time believing anything in this article because of that, I suggest you sit down with your significant other and ask them if I’m lying. You will be surprised by their answer.

Take this article as a way to learn more about your own sex life. It can only go up from here (bad pun).

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